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"I'm not the kind of woman who will look away when you talk about rape, abuse, or addiction. I won't flinch when you walk in covered in dirt, muck, and inner shit. I won't judge your story of neglect, betrayal, or trauma. I won't try to rewrite your suicidal thoughts or self-hatred. I won't ignore your cry. I won't back away from your drool, vomit, or blood. I won't deny the relationship you have with your womb, work, or the unseen. I won't belittle your body-image or self-wisdom. I won't pretend I have an answer for you. I won't compare your divorce, break-up, or loss to another. Because I believe you. I believe you when you say what you've been through, what you're in, and all that you carry. I believe it when you say that you've tried, you want to, and that you will. I believe you now, and I will continue believing in you. Because I am the kind of woman who holds space. For you, sister."
~ Tanya Markul
Holding space and acceptance are both valued and important qualities of Love that can be nurtured in everyone, especially in those men who may not readily be able to access these aspects of their disposition.
If we explore Love and its potential, I can see that is could be likened to both a wave and a particle. A felt sense or vibration within the body or an transferable energy passed on through actions, both received and expressed. I also acknowledge that Love, for many, has become a construct rather than being synonymous with the nature of being. Many people learnt that Love was conditional, that it can become pinch off and at worst forgotten all together. Within the dimensions of the multi-layered experiences of our emotional reality, how many individuals describe Love in reference to their own wounding than an acknowledgement of the wholeness of being.
Many hearts are fragmented and so perceive Love in a fragmented way. For them even a fragment of what they desire is worth more than what they have yet to fully experience.
How can we begin to understand the fragments of our hearts and our relationship to Love?
We can begin in the past. Ask yourself: What is your primary survival question?
How do I fit in? How can I stay safe? How can I win? How can I control things? All of which will relate to the way in which our childhood experience of the world, impacted our body and brain and created inner conditioning.
Link your answer with the desires of your heart.
What is it you value most; acceptance, peace, belonging, freedom, healing, union, wholeness? We can reflect on our highest values as being a reflection of our relationship to what we lack throughout our life.
The answers to both questions will show some aspect of how we have learnt to define/perceive the world and our interactions in reference to Love.
Tanya Markul describes beautifully what she has embraced and embodied as valuable and can offer as an expression of supportive Love to others. What about the rest of us, when we open our hearts, how does love wants to work through us, what can we discover about ourselves and our truth?
When the heart opens and we are able to perceive life in a softer way, less filtered and without resistance to what is arising and offered, our capacity to receive guidance from within can increase. Supporting this requires a rested and regulated nervous system. In the softness of rest we can feel the strength and power of love and learn to be present without giving it meaning or story. As we surrender into receptivity we can dissolve.
So does the heart hold an equal capacity to assert will as it does to receive and hold? Does the heart contain a power that is waiting to express?
I can see that there are many expressions of love received/expressed/experienced through a spectrum, from ‘assertive will’ into the ‘receptivity’ of all that is.
The receptive qualities of the heart include;
Compassion, as the will to take action from a place of Love
The experience of fullness which could be seen as a heart centred passion or creativity.
The desire to nurture and stimulate warmth for others through sharing and kindness.
A desire to merge and be as one with all of creation.
But for me there also seems to be a dark side of our being, of love.
My love is also connected to what some may label Rage.
I feel my Love and Rage are in someway related, they would be the storm and the sunlight. My fear is to surrender and unleash the full power of this nature because the world has taught me that there is no place for this unconditioned wildness. I fear that others can not hold my fullest expression.
Would who I really am trigger fear in others?
I imagine that there have been many rebellious teens and boisterous children who have struggles with the label of rage, who as adults, may repress themselves. Living at 50% and finding it a challenge to ‘fit-into’ the world.
Is there a Love that can hold space whilst this rage is processed, fully allowing this power of destruction to be felt, seen and then soothed?
I have listened to too many voices that have told me what is unacceptable behaviour and twisted my mind so that I could no longer see or feel my own love for fear that it was a force of something bad. Sometimes I am not able to slow down inner desires. Sometimes is feels like there is a fire within me and if I release it, will I be rejected.
If burning something down is necessary to create the space to build something new, then I am the fire-starter. I am also a creator. Beyond the rage I am an architect of new systems of harmony.
I trust myself to hold others as they too allow inner flames to burn. I can teach others how to self-sacrifice into the fire of transformation as this is what I have done and I know that there is nothing to be afraid of.
When my own power frightened me, what some might label as rage was, in fact, a manifestation of projections and fears of punishment ingrained in my psyche as a man of color. My body, holding energy meant for release, found expression as a shadow through my sexuality and desires. Through this expression, I could observe a yearning for power, the very power I denied. I found solace in seeing others submit to this power. Many men, having faced repression and disempowerment, channel this energy through sex, their sexuality emerging from a place of fear and repressed 'rage.' It becomes a way to reclaim what unconsciously eludes them—whether it be Love, freedom, healing, peace, or any heartfelt desire.
Exploring shadow feelings, we understand how they construct neurotic patterns, forming a fantasy life that the mind engages with instead of reality. In my case, the love I possessed aimed to dismantle this realm of fantasy. The fire I would ignite symbolized the burning of repressed feelings within those seeking a path back to wholeness.
I ponder what might unfold if we supported more men to confront their rage without fear or shame. What if people could tap into the dark side of their hearts, allowing the wild power of their nature, their Love, to be unleashed into the world? I wonder what transformations would be witnessed.
